The Hip Hop Lord’s Prayer From An 8th Grader Point Of View…

A couple days ago I was going through some old confirmation class curriculum notes I wrote two years ago and came across the result of one of my favorite written assignments that I used to give my 8th grade students.  Basically after 9 months of weekly classes, extra curricular activities, mission projects, and retreats…my young teenagers needed to break into small group teams and interpret and re-write whatever scripture passages I assigned them.

I always received creative responses, but the following is hands down my favorite.  This team of eighth graders re-wrote The Lord’s Prayer Hip Hop style in line with their favorite type of music.  Here’s the result.  The piece is very simple…BUT…I influenced them in no way, shape, or form except to give them the space to have no real boundaries when sharing their experiences with God.  I enjoyed, and still enjoy, reading this so much.  I hope you do too!

Our Father who chills in Heaven,
Yo name’s off the hook!
Yo crib is poppin’,
You be fresh.
Mi casa es su casa.
Bread me – Hook me up wit some sorries Dawg,
as we forget our haters.
Deny the bling and deliver us from the man.
For thine is the turf, the throne, and all dat!

Shaadrak!

Simple Ponderings: My Soul Takes Center Stage

I’ve been reading this two-book series by Noah Levine called “Dharma Punx (A Memoir)” and “Against The Stream; A Buddhist Manual For Spiritual Revolutionaries”.  I’m really enjoying them.  They are both good reads.  And for me they are completely relevant being that I’m slowly adding Buddhist practices into my life’s journey.  These practices have been enhancing my Christian approach to life and my human existence.

I really need to go deeper into my soul and resurrect who I really am and what I’m all about.  From where I stand from my experience of being a lifetime church goer and 20-year veteran youth ministry employee…the church does not even come close to bringing me to any deep soul realization.  The church either can’t do it or won’t do it; I’m not really sure.  And while I am a follower of Jesus and love what Jesus has done for me, I personally do not feel like the Bible is currently giving me the tools and resources I need to understand my personal journey of life – TODAY!  Yes, I can read scripture passages and see the relevance for today’s living and the lessons the Bible teaches.  For me though, reading the Bible is NOT a physical activity.  As hard as I’ve been trying, reading scripture at the moment does not even come close to awakening any of my senses (with the exception of my mind – which is not always good).

Now don’t get me wrong.  I’m not blaming the Bible.  I’m blaming me and the place I seem to be in right now.  I feel that reading scripture causes me to compare its teachings to my life, where after reading passages and paragraphs, I feel as though I have to do a rating or evaluation of myself.  Then I have the task of looking for areas in my life where I have to intertwine and weave the two.

Reading the Bible always feels like a task lately.  And it does work at times.  Reading scripture passages from the Bible does make my life better…no doubt.  But when I practice Buddhist Mindfulness Meditation, there does not seem to be any evaluation.  When I embark on Buddhist spiritual practices, there are no lessons, no striving toward anything, no past, no future, no regret, no shame, no desire, etc.  There is only NOW; that present moment where I just am…and I just be.  And when I’m in that place, well…human words are not sufficient enough to describe the experience.  It’s simply GREAT!  It’s like my soul gets to take center stage for a wee bit of time.

Being Truly Awake

Anthony de Mello (September 4, 1931 – June 2, 1987) was a Jesuit priest, psychotherapist and writer who became widely known for his books on spirituality.  He’d written a quote that was published in his book “One Minute Wisdom” that I really enjoy and need to keep reminding myself every time I feel I’ve fallen short of my spiritual discipline or have become what I feel to be disconnected with God.

Anthony de Mello writes:

Question:  Is there anything I can do to attain enlightenment?
Answer:  As little as you can do to make the sunrise.

Question:  Then why all these burdensome disciplines you prescribe?
Answer:  So that you will be awake when the sun rises.

This of course does not literally mean to be awake at dawn, although the Benedictine Monks did have a spiritual practice of praying the hours which actually start at 3:30am daily.  But I believe what de Mello is talking about here is for me to practice what I believe and not just say what I believe so when the presence of God is upon me I will be awake enough and disciplined enough to see IT, experience IT, and just BE fully in the moment with IT no matter what IT is.

I personally believe in the presence of God in my life and God (or The Great Spirit) in all things seen and unseen on a constant basis.  I also believe this “belief” should not stop at this statement.  For me, to say “I believe” is not enough.  Actually, to even believe that “I believe” is not enough.  I believe God is all around me and within me, and because I was born in God’s image and from the love of God…God therefore “is” me.  But to see this and maintain it and live it takes more than just saying it.  This is where the practice part is so important.  I know what to do to remedy this, but like every other spiritual-minded person, I feel as though I consistently fall short in this area.

I’ve given my life fully to God for a good 20 years now in my personal life and my career.  God has given me a focus in my life and has helped me define what to do with myself as a person; as a human in this lifetime.  I obey my calling to be a blessing to others each day with heartfelt devotion.  But, like the majority of faithful people trying to maintain a spiritual discipline, I’ve found that I “serve” well…but I don’t “practice” well.  I’m good at giving and being a blessing to others, but I’m not good at nurturing myself in order to stay whole and to keep my soul nourished.  I’m kind of always drained and never replenished.  I know I am loved by “The One” who breathed life into me…but I don’t always give myself the time to spend any personal time with “The One”.  I am a child of God…but I don’t check in as much as I should, but when I do I absolutely love being in that place.

I’m well aware that spending time in that place really does not take much time and effort.  I was told by one of my mentors, the late Mike Yaconelli years ago, that I should stop beating myself up over non-prayer or non-practice time with God.  He told me that ANY amount of time of practice is a step in the right direction.  He instructed me that staring at the ceiling and praying for 30 seconds to be able to find an extra 30 seconds in prayer is a spiritual practice, and much more than doing absolutely nothing.  And he also instructed me that whenever I get down on myself about falling short of my faith and spiritual discipline, I have to rest on the point that I desire God a lot and I desire to practice more and more so I can be attune to God’s presence with me and within me.  God is a God of renewal and opportunity all the time.  And whether I choose it, like it, shun it, decide to turn my back on it…anything….God loves me nonetheless.  I must remember that desire and yearning to know my God of love or The Great Spirit is that simple step toward presence and being awakened in my soul.

This passage from the Old Testament — Isaiah 43:1-4 belongs to us all, but it especially belongs to me during my time of falling short.  When you read it, it will especially belong to you.

Translation from Eugene Peterson’s “The Message” -

But now, God’s Message, the God who made you in the first place, Jacob, the One who got you started, Israel: “Don’t be afraid, I’ve redeemed you. I’ve called your name. You’re mine. When you’re in over your head, I’ll be there with you. When you’re in rough waters, you will not go down. When you’re between a rock and a hard place, it won’t be a dead end—Because I am God, your personal God, The Holy of Israel, your Savior. I paid a huge price for you: all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in! That’s how much you mean to me! That’s how much I love you! I’d sell off the whole world to get you back, trade the creation just for you.

Safely Through The First Door…

I’ve attended and officiated many funerals and End-Of-Life tributes through my years of being a youth pastor and being on staff at local churches.  Not that you get used to performing memorial services and burials, but it’s always that much harder when I have to perform or attend a funeral for a friend that has just passed; as to be expected.  Funerals are very difficult for us all, and saying goodbye to a friend or someone close is not an easy thing to do.  It’s usually my job to read something during a memorial service or say prayers that will somehow ease the pain of the loss or to help put into words the thoughts and feelings of the attendees.

Today I would like to share with you one of my favorite readings I’ve recited at countless memorial services.  Although I’ve read it many times in the past, it seems as though when I read and reflect on the words after losing someone close to me…well…it just doesn’t get old.  The words just seem to renew my faith in a great God, Creator, or Spirit that truly loves me.  I read this and somehow know that someone is waiting for me, that when I pass on…it’s just another phase of life…and they’ll be there.

I share this with you now.  Perhaps you can visualize the words and remember someone special with whom you’ve recently had to say goodbye, and realize they are safe.

I NEVER WANTED TO BE BORN
by John Bell (from the book “He Was In The World” – Meditations For Public Worship, GIA, Iona 1995, pg 18-19)

(Read slowly and deliberately allowing time for the words to settle)

I never wanted to be born.

The older I grew, the fonder I became of my mother’s womb and its warmth and its safety.

I feared the unknown, the next world, about which I knew nothing, but imagined the worst.

Yet, as I grew older, I sensed in my soul that the womb was not my home forever.

Though I did not know when, I felt sure that one day I would disappear through a door which had yet to be opened, and confront the unknown of which I was afraid.

And then…it happened.  In blood, and tears, and pain, it happened.

I was cut off from the familiar; I left my life behind, and discovered not darkness, but light.  Not hostility, but love.  Not eternal separation, but hands that wanted to hold me.

(Pause for a minute of silence and reflection)

I never wanted to be born.  I don’t want to die.

The older I grow, the fonder I become of this world, and its warmth, and its safety.

I fear the unknown, the next world, about which I know nothing, but imagine the worst.

Yet as I grow older, I sense in my soul that this world is not my home forever.

Though I do not know when, I feel that one day I will disappear through a door that has yet to be opened.

Perhaps having come so safely through the first door, I shall not fear so hopelessly the second.

The Power Of Your Influence – Use It Wisely

I remember some years ago while I was a youth pastor, a few youth fellowship members and I put together a skit for the congregation entitled “Touched By Human Hands”.  The set up was simple.  All characters involved in the skit had red paint pre-painted on the palms of their hands with the exception of the main character, a teenage girl.  The scene opened with the girl in her room on the weekday morning of her birthday.  Her parents put their present at the foot of her bed so she would find it upon waking.  The gleam in her eye was electrifying as she opened the box to find the gift of her dreams; a brand new, clean, glistening white t-shirt.  Her excitement could not be contained as she donned the shirt and went running downstairs to show her mom and dad.

Much to the girl’s dismay, she could hear her parents yelling at each other as she entered the room.  It seems that the day’s trials and tribulations had already caught up with mom and dad this early in the morning at breakfast.  Work and financial problems, busy schedules and family misunderstandings took center stage at the table as the parents, preoccupied with their troubles, could not take the time to see the beautiful t-shirt on their daughter.  As the daughter begged her parents to stop and look at her, mom and dad blankly acknowledged her by saying that they would celebrate her birthday later that night when they came home from work.  They made some attempts at easing her hurt by putting their arm around her and letting her know that everything was all right.  “We are just having misunderstanding” they said, as they have so many times before.  But every time they touched her white shirt, it would stain and smear crimson red with the paint from the palms of their hands.

The teenager went on to school, and spent the rest of her day moving from scene to scene carrying the remnants of her parent’s argument.  At each turn she came in contact with teachers and stress from school, peer pressure from students, and bad advice from friends on how to deal with all the seemingly negative elements life threw her way.  Each time she made contact, and the contacts touched her, the pure, glistening white t-shirt became more and more stained until the white sections barely showed.  She went home that evening in tears, completely stained and negatively influenced by events that seem to touch each of us as misfortunate, everyday occurrences.

None of us want excess stress and negative events to touch our lives…but this happens quite often!  And we very rarely realize in the heat of the moment how much our voice and actions influence the attitudes and actions of the people around us, both young and old?  When we have been hurt, annoyed or stressed, most of us react negatively, adding more stress.  Jesus Christ, Buddha and many of the great spiritual teachers came into our lives to show us a different way, the way of love,  healing, forgiveness, patience, and understanding.  Nothing heals like love, for love encompasses grace, forgiveness, patience, and justice.  We await love in all areas of our lives.  In the Christian bible the apostle Paul tells us that love is the highest gift of the spirit.  When you have this love, you have no choice but to reflect and share it with children, friends, spouses, coworkers, and everyone!  When you reflect the love of God or the Great Spirit or the Creator…how do you think others will react?  Isn’t that the real measure of every person?  It’s not so much what we do, but what we cause others to do.  It’s what others do because of us!  Your words and actions have great power and influence over everyone you come in contact with.  Use this power wisely and brimming with love.

My Life Touched By Benedictine Spirituality – February 2010 – An Essay

My life is absolutely beautiful.  Everything at the moment is just as it should be.  My life is not a “flat line” existence, boring, straight, full of nothingness.  No, my life is far from that.  My high points are extremely exciting and my lowest lows still meaningful as painful as they may be.  In the teaching of Benedictine Spirituality there is a discipline described, that as one grows in mindfulness, one brings a new kind of presence into one’s day.  Love and joy, discontent and unhappiness still bring a sense of calm, composure, and completeness to one’s day.  According to author Macrina Wiederkehr in “Seven Sacred Pauses”, Buddhist teacher Joan Halifax uses a term called “Equanimity”.  In Halifax’s thoughts, the word stands for “…the stability of mind that allows us to be present with an open heart no matter how wonderful or difficult conditions are.”  The Benedictine spiritual practice of praying the hours and practicing “Equanimity” has assisted me the past eight months to be more aware of my beautiful and joyous life, my every ounce of being awake and alive with God and the Angels present, unlike what I like to call “any given person”.

At the risk of sounding self-righteous and conceited, when thinking back to my life prior to my exposure to this Benedictine spiritual training and experience of praying the hours, no matter how long or short the time may have been, I don’t understand how I made it through each day.  I don’t understand how “any given person” can succeed through life’s multiple difficult times without desiring to be present with God.  What I mean is, “Any given person” experiences God in today’s social norm, one hour per week at church, or praying a few times a day or week if they are lucky.  I remember this, and it’s not enough!  For years, even as a youth pastor, I was “any given person”!  And even though I was surrounded by the elements of church, I was deflated.  God was present, but I was empty.  I remember a group of students in my young adult ministry saying, “God never shows up at the right times.”  I remember us talking about how God always seemed to be up at the top of the ladder, way out of reach.  It seemed as though our daily purpose was to climb up, rung by rung in hopes of getting closer to God.  Some days we were successful getting up a few rungs when things were good…only to be knocked back down a few steps when something not-so-positive happened.  My whole life as far back as I can remember…I never made it anywhere close to the top of that ladder.  And each knock back down a rung always made me feel that I’d never truly reach the God I desired.  Since I was a small child, I’ve always desired to be with God, somewhere instead of waiting for God to come to me.

Glenn Mitchell’s teachings in our classes at Oasis and the training and readings of the Benedictine’s praying the hours have taught me about God being at the center of my being and how my daily life’s cyclical movement, or Compline, mimics many mini life times every 24 hours.  But more importantly, through this spiritual practice, I daily experience birth, growth, life, death, and that every glorious resurrection that Jesus showed us.  These moments become ever present and glorious when we stop to become present in every moment of the day no matter if things are wonderful or difficult.  Much how Jacob danced with, or wrestled with depending on your perspective, the Angel in the Old Testament and departed with a joyous ever present limp is exactly how I feel at this moment.  Whether I like it or not, woundedness and blessings go hand in hand.  Taking time to pray the hours, at whatever intervals help me to be aware of God’s presence in my being no matter where I am at that moment.  God is in my heartbeat and my heartbeat powers my existence.  The essence of who God is becomes present in my soul and my soul orchestrates my existence.  And, as David Steindl-Rast describes it in the “Music Of Silence”, God’s ever-present Angels that greet each hour’s phase guide me through that time to help me remember to take that pause.  I come to notice my life is not just existing and getting through the day unscathed.  My life is a beautiful symphony of silence, movement, sounds, actions, reactions, the list goes on…and I orchestrate it with God…and God orchestrates it with me; no ladders to climb!

Nine months ago in May 2009 I fell asleep in my soul.  I was terminated from my job which amounted to losing my career that I loved.  This equated in my eyes to losing my identity and in turn caused me to feel lost or asleep yet awake.  For me, work was my life, and now I was told I could not do that work anymore in the arena I knew.  Then to make matters worse, I took on a position in a completely different field because I became fearful of being unemployed.  What ended up happening was that I hated every second of work and equally every second of my life because of it.  I became “any given person” again and started climbing up the rungs of the ladder trying to reach God again as I did practically my whole life prior to this incident.  I feared the night because I knew I would lie awake and my “demons” would come out and haunt me about this tragedy in my life.  My brain would turn on and go a thousand miles per hour thinking about all the things that happened and the people that wronged me and how I had no future ahead of me and that my wife and I would end up homeless on the street.  This became a daily occurrence.  And each evening I would make myself ill and cry and scream to a point of being inconsolable.  This was a very dark time for me.

I believe it was the Apostle Paul who said something like, “It’s better to light a candle than to curse the darkness.”  I prayed hard to God that something would enter my life that would help me through this daily night time torture.  It was in September 2009 that Year II Oasis classes started again.  The first lesson was Benedictine Spirituality and Praying through the Hours!  This lesson has changed my life immensely.  Through my learning of the Benedictine practice of keeping Vigil and my experience of praying through Lauds and Prime I’ve come to realize that during that tumultuous time of darkness God suffered with me and the Angels of each of the seven phases of the day guarded me and eventually woke me!

My most favorite hours or pauses are Prime and Terce.  Even though I’m not a morning person and I’m not usually awake when the traditional monks would practice Prime, I still celebrate it whenever my eyes open from sleep.  I enjoy the moment simply because it’s my time of renewal, opportunity, and resurrection.  No matter what happened the night or day before, the sun rises and I’m born again to experience this gift of life that God gave me.  My life seems sweeter now with this practice.  And because I am a work-a-holic, I really enjoy Terce, or what Wiederkehr calls “The Blessing Hour”.  Terce is a pause for prayer right before starting the work day.

It’s February 2010 and I have a new job now.  I really enjoy it and it fulfills me.  It’s not really my “make money” job that I’m talking about although that’s part of it.  I’m talking about my “life job” which include my “make money” job.  I approach my “life job” so much differently now.  Yes, the stressors of work are still there, but my experience has shown me through practicing praying at Terce that the task of work, no matter what that work is gives me the opportunity to be an unknown blessing to someone else somewhere, anywhere.  This approach helps my life’s work to be something so much bigger than just the task of getting things done.  And this is all because of praying the hours.  I am aware of God’s presence in, through, and around my life and in all things that make living at this time more meaningful than it has ever been.  I want to share that or be a reflection of that with others and in harmony with the world around me.

I’m thankful to Glenn Mitchell and Oasis’ teaching of this Benedictine spiritual practice of praying the hours.  It is one practice that I will stick with and continue to evolve in because it has enlightened and changed me immensely.  The required and recommended readings for that month of learning about Benedictine Spiritual Practices have simply been awesome!  Yes I still fear the night at times.  I’m not immune to life’s troubles and the given human reaction to them.  But my awareness of God’s dwelling within me is definitely heightened.  And this makes the darkness of night a bigger experience than just fear and anger.  Sometimes I welcome the night, sometimes I don’t.  But Vigil does seem to be the one phase of the cycle of day to day life that consumes me the most.  While I have to work on all the phases of praying the hours and remembering to take time to take the different pauses of the day, I believe the night time Vigil is the time when God and the Angels and I dance, or wrestle the most.  And I’m ok with that, limp and all!

One Ludicrously Simple Change

I’m not an “idle” person, and I LOVE to work.  After two decades of being a youth pastor and involved in relentless church work, I’m now an independent freelancer, self-employed and pretty much working my own hours in the comfort of my home office.  Yes there are many benefits to this work arrangement as I’m sure many folks reading this who go to an office 9am-5pm daily would nod affirmatively.  I agree!  I really enjoy it and would not trade it for anything!

Of course it’s obvious the main down side to this lifestyle is that I live, work, and play directly in conjunction with my office.  Work is never far away for me, which also means I am always reachable and, as my wife constantly reminds me, I’m never actually turned off from work or disconnected from my to-do list!  As I mentioned earlier…I love working therefore I constantly take on a multitude of projects as well.  Which is good because when one is a freelancer or self-employed, this then equates to freelance income, which means I must take on a variety of contracts and jobs.  Hence, the inbox is always full; the work is never really done. But this comes with the territory.  I have to make a living, right?

What I find interesting, and sadly disturbing, is my wife’s constant need to remind me to “TURN OFF”.  It seems even when I’m not working, I’m still working.  My brain never stops…and I know it…and I know I’m not alone.  Many in my circle of friends, self-employed or holding down normal jobs or even school studies all tell me how their brains are in perpetual think mode. I’m always thinking day and night about what I have to do next.  And then I kick myself when I realize how much relax time, sleep time, down time, play time, and being with the one I love or just being present in the moment wherever I am gets missed because I’m always reminding myself of the work I did not get to and the things I still must do.  This “way” was not only robbing me of my human time but also my soul time. After all, if I can’t put away my to do list for the human side of me I can easily see…how in the world could I even come close to doing it for the human side of me I can’t see.  And I do know my soul is who I am and what really makes me “tick”.

Then I made a ludicrously simple change.  I heard someone one day talking about changing perspective.  They said life could be very simple in many ways if we were to change the way we think about things.  I wrote this down and went to my Spiritual Director to talk about the possibilities.  One of the things we came up with was how I would lose nights of sleep in a row because I was so consumed with how I was going to get done with all I still needed to do.  Well, naturally the flip side of that is to think about the things I did complete in a day and how those things helped others to achieve the work they had to do.  Simple right?  Well it was!  I started last summer making it a point that at a reasonable yet definitive point in time, say 6pm, I was going to stop work no matter what was left to do and no matter how I felt about it.  Then I would quickly write down in about five minutes all the things I accomplished for the day including all the little stuff (‘cause the little stuff adds up!).  I would then shut off my computer, close any note pads, put away the pens and take my “completed/done” list, look over at it, smile at it, then put it by my bed table so I would see it before I closed my eyes.  The rest of the evening I would be very intentional about not dwelling on what I still had to do.  I actually forced myself not to go there.  If I started to, then I’d go get my “done” list back out and remind myself of my accomplishments.  Before I would turn out the light to go to sleep I would again think about all I accomplished that day from saying hello to someone in the bagel shop to all the emails I answered to making dinner for my family to taking out the garbage and everything in between.

What a difference this discipline has made.  And yes practicing this reversal of thought does get easier every day.  Yes, the to-do list still gets the best of me at times and I will lose a good night’s sleep here and there once in a while.  But I’ve noticed I’m a lot calmer about things and my work and days surrounding it are more joyous.  And if I do lose sleep over something having to do with unfinished tasks, I’m not angry at myself or at any one person or thing because I now realize that, in the past, I had the power to choose…and I had chosen to dwell on the things I did not accomplish which brought me great stress.  I now know because of this new writing discipline that the outside world and its stressors don’t make me do or feel anything.  I choose to be wrapped up in my tasks or wrapped up in my soul…and I’m finding it’s a lot more pleasurable to be wrapped up in the soul.  I’d rather be there and be present in the moment than to constantly live in the future and worrying about what I need to get done in order to get there.  I can now just be.

What Is Spiritual Direction?

Reverend Chuck Gianakos is a Certified Spiritual Director and received his certification through Oasis Ministries for Spiritual Development (http://www.oasismin.org).  Chuck is also a member of Spiritual Directors International (http://www.sdiworld.org).  Please call Chuck directly at 1.732.272.3477 if you are inquiring about receiving Spiritual Direction.

What is Spiritual Direction?

Although spiritual direction has had a burst of new life, it is really quite ancient.

Spiritual Directors International describes Spiritual Direction as follows:

Spiritual direction is a time-honored term for a conversation, ordinarily between two persons, in which one person consults another, more spiritually experienced person about the ways in which God may be touching her or his life, directly or indirectly. In our postmodern age, many people dislike the term “spiritual direction” because it sounds like one person giving directions, or orders, to another. They prefer “spiritual companionship,” “tending the holy,” or some other nomenclature.  But what we call it really does not make any difference.

Spiritual direction is the process of accompanying people on a spiritual journey. Spiritual direction helps people tell their sacred stories every day. Spiritual direction exists in a context that emphasizes growing closer to God (or the holy or a higher power). Spiritual direction invites a deeper relationship with the spiritual aspect of being human. Spiritual direction offers a place to explore prayer practices, meditation, spiritual experiences, and our growing desire for significance.  Spiritual direction is not psychotherapy, counseling, or financial planning.

I personally have found, whether you are a “churchy” person or have never stepped foot in a mainline house of worship before in your life, Spiritual direction is specific to your spiritual journey.  And what’s great is that you do not need to be from a specific denomination or faith practice for Spiritual Direction to enhance your life! If you are taking the first steps to learn to pray, or have been meditating for decades, spiritual direction is valuable. Taking into consideration your unique personality and temperament, spiritual direction is a place to reflect on how to pray, your ongoing or unfolding spiritual practices, and the stages of spiritual development in the life of a sincere seeker. Like prayer, contemplation and meditation, spiritual direction nourishes the spiritual aspect of being human, allowing us to serve and be with all with authenticity and grateful hearts.

Contact me if you are interested in exploring Spiritual Direction or if you have more questions.  I would be pleased to speak with you.

God’s Persistence

My wife and I live in a moderate sized beach community on the New Jersey Shore.  Like so many towns on the New Jersey coast in recent years, our neighborhood, once nicely wooded with streets heavily adorned with trees and fall foliage, has succumbed to office complexes, strip-malls, cement, and white lined blacktop parking lots.  In fact, our whole region has altered its scenic look to make way for consistently heavy influxes of people, which then leads to more housing needs, bigger or new school complexes, a need for more places of employment, more office buildings, an increase in the number of places to shop, and an expansion of our roadways so we can transport ourselves around to all the places we need to go.  Our schedules are full, our stress levels high, and there barely any places to walk around in woodsy silence anymore.

One afternoon on a shopping excursion this past summer, I parked the car in one of those mall parking lots, got out, locked the car door, and proceeded to hunt around for an abandoned parking lot shopping cart that I could use rather than grabbing a new one at the front door of the store.  At that moment in the distance right in the middle of the lot my eye caught a bit of color stemming up through the solid blacktop, the only other color within thousands of square feet of black background and white lines.  As I walked closer to the color, I discovered it to be a flower!  Yes, a flower with petals of vibrant blue and violet!  I looked around with wonder as I could not find another hint of plant life within thousands of square feet of where I was standing, yet this one tiny plant had found the only thin crack in a four inch thick sheet of tar roadway…and it rose up to bloom and persisted on giving life and color to what I consider to be a dark and cheerless landscape.

I laughed to myself and thought, “God, your persistence is amazing.  Your beauty and creation will not stop coming through for us no matter how hard we try to block it out and pave over it!”  And what timing!  I just finished reading Thomas Merton’s book, “When The Trees Say Nothing.”  In the introduction, aptly titled, “The Forest Is My Bride”, there is a quote from Merton’s Waters Of Siloe which reads

When the monks had found their homes, they not only settled there, for better or worse, but they sank their roots in the ground and fell in love with their woods…forest and field, sun and wind and sky, earth and water, all speak the same silent language, reminding the monk that he is here to develop like the things that grow all around him.     (Waters Of Siloe, pp. 273-274)

When this event occurred I was feeling pretty burned out and tired.  This ministry in which I serve is taking its toll on my health.  Merton’s writing on nature, while very simple brought me to peace and has helped me to stay in tune with God’s work around me rather than the human work around me.  I remember that God is God and God will always work wonders, even when things seem black and cheerless.  This is the way it was with Jesus, the Buddha, and perhaps many of the early spiritual teachers, prophets, monks, and gurus.  Times were not so wonderful 2000+ years ago, most times black and cheerless back when Jesus, Buddha and all the others physically walked the earth.  The people were looking for a savior or deliverer to bring them hope, or as I like to think of it now, teach us how to connect to the spirit or soul and rise above what is expected of us on a human level; reconnect us to that foundational “God” level.  I must remember and meditate on the belief that God’s persistence is and always will be amazing and no matter how much life’s burdens seem to weigh me down and block out God’s creational and eternal beauty…God will never stop coming through for me!

My 1st Silent Retreat – January 2009 – An Essay

I entered the day of my 24 hour silent prayer retreat with much anxiety, anticipation, and apprehension.  I awoke and packed my bag early that morning with a usual routine of things to include as if I was going on a normal one-day business trip.  I kept reading my Oasis certification class guidelines for going on a 24 hour silent spiritual retreat and kept taking things out of the bag…and then putting them back in just to take them out again.  “What’s going on with me”, I thought.  I’ve been on hundreds of retreats in my life!  But even before this retreat started I pressed into my head the belief that this one would be the most challenging.  Why?

As I kept trying to pack and prepare I realized that I really did not need to bring anything.  I did not need to bring multiple changes of clothes because I was not going to be meeting anyone, leading any group, or being social in any way, shape or form.  I did not need to bring books because I was not going to read.  I did not need to bring a computer because there was no internet, or email, and I was not going to be working anyway.  I did not need to bring any music devices or magazines because I was not going to have any actual thing called leisure time.  My food was provided by the retreat center, so no pre-food-shopping needed to be done.  I did not pack any phone chargers because my phone was going to be left in the car and not actually on me.  This is crazy but…besides a toothbrush, mouthwash, a bar of soap, my bible, and something to sleep in, and even these few items were not necessary, I realized there was nothing to pack or take with me except me; my very essence, my soul.  This time away was just about meeting and being with God.  Nothing else in the next 24 hours would fill my heart, mind, soul, presence, and time but God.

“What if I can’t do it?”  “What if I fail and have to leave the retreat center ‘cause I just can’t take it?”  These thoughts just kept on filling my head almost to a point of my canceling the retreat.  My busyness nearly won out and got the best of me.  I kept telling myself that I should not be doing this, that I had too much to do and I should not be spending a full day away doing nothing!  My heart was starting to get heavy and torn, so I stopped and prayed.  For a good long time I chatted with God about this upcoming experience, praying for God to give me the courage to go through with it.  My “Centering Prayer” focus word is CALM, but I really should consider changing it to TRUST because that’s the word that kept coming to me in my prayer.  I realized that I believe in God and have no problem saying that, but I don’t really trust God.  I decided that today was the day of new beginnings with regard to this hurdle.  I was ashamed that I proclaimed that I loved God, but then realized that my trust in God was limited.  I thought, “This is ridiculous!  How could I go through life with a faith that I believed was real but could not trust?”  This thought was enough for me to gain the strength to go on the retreat.

I arrived and checked in to my room like a kid going on vacation!  I was all excited and had to explore my new surroundings.  I went through every nook and cranny of my room, opening up every drawer and closet door, trying the faucets in the bathrooms to see if everything ran properly, and turning on every lamp and light I could find.  The room was plain but comfortable with assorted pictures of Jesus and his mother Mary.  But the thing I enjoyed most about the room was the view from the one and only window.  The retreat center itself was situated directly on the beach next to the Atlantic Ocean in Long Branch, New Jersey, and my bedroom window overlooked the beach and directly out to the open water!

I then proceeded to leave my room and explore the entire grounds of the facility.  The San Alfonso Retreat House is very Roman Catholic with hundreds of pieces of artwork ranging from paintings to sculptures and from triptychs to photos, each presentation mostly consisting of telling the story of Jesus and Mary.  I wandered through the various small chapels and sat for a spell in the main sanctuary.  I began to feel very “at home” here, not so much with the actual environment, but with the actualization of what the environment provided for me; a place, time, and space to meet with and experience nothing else but God.

It was around 11am and I knew the retreat center was serving lunch at noon.  I went back to my room and sat in my in-room recliner and started to think about…GOD.  What to think about?  I did not know where to begin really, so I opened my bible and randomly chose Psalm 75:1

We thank you O God!  We give thanks because You are near.  People everywhere tell of Your wonderful deeds.

I meditated on this verse for a good 30 minutes.  I thought, “This day, and each day, is a day of new beginnings and opportunities.  I am grateful for that.  I am grateful that we have a God full of mercy and grace.  I am grateful that God is near me always, even when I’m not near God or even noticing”.  I felt very at peace and thankful.  I also experienced a sort of “lightness” in my body and mind.  I decided to succumb to the fact that this is going to be my life till approximately 10am tomorrow morning.

I headed to lunch at noon and found myself a seat at a table overlooking the open ocean.  I loved this simply because this view enabled me to reminisce about my time in the U.S. Navy and all the days, weeks, and months spent out on the open ocean sailing all around the world.  I remembered all the moments spent out at sea on the main decks of my ship both on duty and at rest and I thought about all the places I had been.  This made me think about the “Life Thread” exercise we practiced at our October 2008 Oasis certification class; how things in our past all link together as a life thread spiritual experience to assist us on our growth journey with God.  Then it happened!  I was eating my lunch ever so slowly as to just dwell in this time of remembering when I started to notice a ship’s mast and tower appear over the horizon straight out over the open ocean ahead of me.  As a trained lookout in the navy, I remembered how I had to report contacts to our officers below decks so they knew what “things” to look out for on the open sea.  I remember learning that the horizon line is exactly 9000 yards from my point of standing and that the earth was of course curved.  Therefore, if you could only see the top portion of a ship’s tower and not the full hull, it meant the ship was out passed 9000 yards away.  A safe estimate at that time would be to report a contact approximately ten to twelve thousand yards out.  This gave the officers below decks an estimate of how far out on the horizon to look for the contact.  But why am I telling you all this?

Once again, this lunch break gave me approximately 60 minutes to reminisce.  I went back to my room after lunch and spent my time thinking about my life since the submarine force in the navy; approximately 28 years.  This “reliving” of my lookout days led to me thinking about my being a qualified helmsman which led to my weapons qualifications which led to my thinking about the secret missions I was a part of which led to my thinking about all the different uncommon situations and places I’ve been in my life because of my military service.  The Life Thread spiritual exercise kept coming back to me, and the more I thought about my past days in the navy and the things I’ve done, the more I realized who I am today at present, why I think the way I do and act the way I do and why I’m so restless the way I am!  I always thought my restlessness was a result of my always wanting to be creative and doing something new.  People always want to know why I just get something started and am never satisfied; always looking to start something else.  Because of this time of contemplation, I realize now that during my time in the military, I reached such heights, experienced uncommon things, traveled to exotic places, met special people, and preformed extraordinary duties.  Nothing in my life since then, though it’s not necessarily true, has ever come close to the extremes I experienced at that time in my military life!

Now please don’t get me wrong.  I do not ever wish to be back in the military nor do I believe in the military philosophy.  If I could do it all over again I know I would do things differently and would not have joined.  I’m not a military-like person.  But, the life I led during those years was extreme!  During those years I drove a multi-billion dollar warship, I handled a multi-million dollar budget, I dove and swam with sharks off the coast of Africa, I was onboard my ship off the coast of Libya when the Americans attacked Colonel Kadafi and the Libyan army in 1985, I ordered and purchased nuclear warheads, etc.  The list of EXTREME activities goes on and on.  And now at present I sit in committee meetings and listen to people argue over what color the tablecloths should be for the choir brunch at the church!

I know that I am exaggerating and over generalizing my present situation.  I know my calling as a pastor is about much more than tablecloth decisions and I know my days living on a submarine were unique and extreme.  But what I’m learning here is about the restlessness in my soul and the yearning to have more exciting experiences daily.  This retreat has helped me to realize that these military experiences were unique and on a human level not too many things in life will compare to these days and activities.  But living a life with God involved offers opportunities for everyday life to be expanded upon, to have more meaning, to be extra special.  When I prepare a meal at home and sit down to eat it, it is not as special as when my wife prepares the exact same meal.  I have a deeper appreciation for the food prepared when she, my partner and friend prepares the meal.  With this in mind, I have opened my soul to realize that when I live on my own power, I must create my own uniqueness and sense of awe.  But if I allow God to do it with me and for me, I don’t have to work so hard…AND…I can be more appreciative of the effort when done by my Savior, Lord, and Friend!

The following morning I awoke at 7am and received the wonderful gift of the sun rising up in a clear sky and expansive ocean at 7:09am.  I don’t get to see sunrises often, but I was blessed with one today!  It was breathtaking as usual.  It never stops amazing me how I can personally witness a thousand sunrises in my lifetime.  I saw dozens of them while shipboard in the navy.  Yet each one of the sunrises witnessed are always brilliant, refreshing, renewing, and different.  No sunrise is ever disappointing.  Once again, each new sunrise brings a new day with new beginnings and opportunities.  The sun will always come up each day for sure.  And sometimes clouds will get in the way of our seeing the sun.  I need to learn how to rise up above the clouds and see the sun each day, meaning that my life, no matter how ordinary it may seem is still unique and extreme.  This is one of the ways God speaks to us daily.  It is HOPE speaking…overriding any despair.  Hope is everything and God brings each of us this gift every day!

I was so moved by the sunrise and at peace with God during this time.  I enjoyed my silent prayer retreat experience so much; like spending time with an old friend.  It has been a couple of weeks now since my experience, and I hope that I will have the desire to book one at least once per quarter year rather than once per year.